Friday, September 5, 2008

Secret Asian Man

In the 6th grade, in Mrs. Capps' class, what I really wanted to be when I grew up was Bond. James Bond.

Goldfinger was the coolest movie I'd ever seen, especially the car chase scenes and all the disguised weaponry used by 007. I even met Harold Sakata, who played the part of the menacing Odd Job in the movie, the one wielding the killer hat. He was Sterling Tom's uncle. A couple of times he came to pick us up from school. He drove a big car, like an older Oldsmobile or Buick and it was weird to see him in a white undershirt instead of the fancy suit and the bowler on his head that he wore in the movie.

We even had a James Bond expert in class. Frankie Jew had read several of Ian Fleming's 007 novels and was able to discuss them intelligently with whomever was interested.

I wanted an attache case so badly.

My desire to be a secret agent only got worse when the Man From UNCLE premiered on television. Napoleon Solo or Illya Kuryakin? We preferred the Russian guy; he was cooler. I wanted to be like him.

And then there was I Spy. Perfectly suited for Michael Jones and me. Michael was Alexander Scott and I was Kelly Robinson, and we'd talk to each other in the same manner as those two did in the series and pretend we were the two spies. They were so cool. We were so cool, haha.

Secret agents in general were so cool. I'd make a terrible secret agent, though, because what is the point of being a secret agent if you can't reveal your identity? And I used to wonder, how does one go about becoming a secret agent?

James Bond was the coolest of them all, though. And by that I mean Sean Connery. Accept no substitutes, he's the real 007.

One contradiction always puzzled me, however. 007 was a "secret agent" yet there seemed to be nothing secret about him. Everyone knew who he was.

I thought "Secret Asian Man" would be a good name for a blog. But, it's taken. The domain name is taken and so is the blogspot name, and so is the gmail address, as well. I should have known lots of people would have had this idea already. The thing is, when you look at the .com site or the blogspot site, there's nothing worth looking at!! What a waste!! I suppose someone could say the same about my blog as well, although here I am wasting only my own name; who else would want it?

I thought Secret Asian Man would be a great title for a book. Well nix that, too. I just checked on and even that's been done. A poetry book, no less. Oh, well.

The other day I did some secret agent deducing and determined the DHL delivery person had lied. I was supposed to get two packages from Amazon at the same time. Here's the tracking info for the first one:

And here's the tracking info for the second one:

As you can see, the second one failed to be delivered, with a comment that the recipient wasn't home. So why did they deliver the first one? I wasn't home for that one either but they left it on the porch. Actually, I was home the whole day and I heard no doorbell or knock; I just happened to go outside for the mail and there it was. Neither box had anything valuable in it.

Here is what I say happened. Notice that both of the tracking pages say that the packages were put on the truck at 8:16 in the morning. I bet they both went on the same truck - wouldn't that be the most efficient way to avoid crisscrossing? The driver delivered the first package and forgot the second one. Then it got to be late (4:56 pm) and he wanted to get home and was too lazy to come back, so he made up some phony excuse saying no one was home. I was home! He didn't need any signature for the box, and there was no notice on my door that he attempted delivery. He (or she) is lying!

Well like I said, there was nothing of value in either box; both are samples from Amazon. The first box contained a single 1 oz bag of healthy tortilla chips, which they sent via 2nd day air. The second box, the one that never showed up, contains a book about the 1,000 recordings to hear before you die. Well, the guy better hurry up and deliver it, then!

Note: they did deliver the package the next day. And it was delivered with no one home, with the tracking comments the same as for the first package. Therefore I shall rest my case - I bet my explanation was correct!

The only secret agent I really didn't care for was John Drake, the character played by Patrick McGoohan in the series Secret Agent Man. It must be because he didn't have all the fancy weapons that other secret agents had. He sure had a great theme song, though. The opening guitar licks are classic. But why would Johnny Rivers be singing about a Secret Asian Man? Same reason Florence Ryza thought the Rolling Stones were telling her, Hey, Jew, get off of my cloud!

Enough rambling.. here's a YouTube double feature for you.

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